Being real

I have been accused of not representing the facts in this blog. And I plead guilty.

More than once I have called one of my close confidants and cried and bitched and moaned and then the same day made a post full of smiles and sunshine. Inevitably I will then get a call from said confidant that goes something like this: "What the hell happened? Did someone slip you a happy pill?"

I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I haven't posted in a while if you have noticed. Every time I sit down and write everything comes out so negative. I am stressed. I am tired. I am desperate for some down time. Boo-freaking-hoo! So I end up hitting the delete button and walking away from my blog. Just because I don't want to post my reality.

I am just like most people out there, I want the world to think my life is doing nothing but spewing rainbows. But I must be honest...it is not always rainbows that it is spewing. Sometimes it is something much more unpleasant. And then also, I know there are so many people out there who have it so much worse off then I do. But does that mean I can't have a bad day? Or two? Or maybe a month? Or that I just can't talk about it?

I am happy with my life most of the time. I am content most of the time. But for every time I tell you all that I love my dogs, there is a time that I just want them to be anywhere except under my feet. For every time I tell you how much I love my husband, there is a time that I can't stand even being near him. For every time I tell you how cute my kids are (which they are by the way), there is a time I want to run off to Morocco and stay there...forever.

Being a grown up is hard work. Nobody ever tells you that. Or maybe they do and I just never listened. There are days I would give anything just not to have to make one more decision that will surely affect my childs life FOREVER!! I have a constant feeling of guilt built into my brain. I feel like I can't be making the right decisions. About school, about discipline, about dietary issues, about everything. I have a hard time deciding what I want at McDonald's, how am I supposed to decide if Natalie should start a multi-day preschool now or next fall? And will whatever I decide scar her for life. If she is not ready and we throw her into it, will she hate school forever? If we hold off and she loses this half of a year will she be forever behind all her classmates? And ultimately will she grow up hating and resenting me because I made the wrong choice?

There is so much more to being a parent then what you think. Sure I can change a diaper and I can even stay up all night with a sick and whiny baby (even though I really don't like to). But it is the things beyond that that make parenthood and adulthood so damn hard.

I would like to say now that I am not looking for pity. I am not depressed or even sad really. I am just a normal person. I am just trying to be real. I wanted to post today and this is what came out. And I am kind of happy it did. I feel a sense of release. I AM NOT PERFECT!!! I am not always happy. I don't always want to be married to Larry, although I couldn't see living my life with anyone else by my side. I don't always like my kids, although I do always love them. I don't always want to own dogs, although I have no idea what I would do if they weren't cuddled up by me at night. I don't always want this life I chose, although it has brought me so much more then I ever thought possible. I don't always want to be a grown up, although it definately has it's perks.

Maybe tomorrow I will post something much happier like the pictures of the family sledding on Sunday or how Natalie is now calling all her dolls baby Jesus (as in "don't take Baby Jesus away from me! Baby Jesus has to go into Dillons too!") (by the way I am guessing she got that from school. We are not religious people and the first time she screamed at me to leave her baby Jesus alone I laughed so hard I almost peed. Seriously.)

Maybe tomorrow.