A vast conspiracy to make me feel old.

I am not old. I don't feel old (most of the time). I don't look old (most of the time). And I don't act old (unless I haven't had enough sleep). I do eat dinner at like 5:00 with my kids and my husband tells me that alone makes me old. I have also dropped the dreaded "back when I was a kid...." speech on my daughters more than once. I mean come on! You have twenty channels to choose from and you can't find something for the thirty minutes it takes to get lunch together? Back when I was a kid the only somewhat kid-oriented channel we had was PBS and that only came in enough to see it when the planets aligned themselves with the giant antennae on top of our house. My dad used to go up on the roof, my mom would stand in the doorway to yell to him, and I would watch the TV and yell to her until Dad turned the antennae just the right way and I could make out the figures through the snow. By the time I could even SEE Big Bird Sesame Street was half over.

Anyway, I am not old. I do turn 30 this year and that is kind of scary/weird, but still...not old. So please tell me why the world wants to make me feel old? I don't want to talk too much about this because I'm still a bit traumatized but, I have grey hair. Several in fact. My Mom actually tried to pick whatever was in my hair out the other day and then said, "Oh! That's a grey hair!" Leave it to Mom to make me feel so much better.

And then a child called me from the University of Kansas. Ok, to be fair she HAD to be at least eighteen or nineteen since she was a student. Unless of course she was one of those genius kids that graduate high school at, like, ten-years-old. But if that was the case I am quite sure she wouldn't have said "awesome" nearly as often as she did. The University calls every year to see if I, as an alumnus, would like to donate money and I always tell them the same thing. "Not today but someday I will be really rich and I will send a really big check." (I honestly, cross my heart, say this every time. It ends their argument AND I feel better for not technically saying no. I am such a dork.) So I answer the phone and this is the conversation I ended up having.

Me: Hello?

Her: Hi!!!! Is Low-Knee there?!?!?! (yes, she was that excited)

Me: This is LONI.

Her: Oh! **giggle giggle** I'm so sorry!!!!!!!

Me: That's ok. Happens all the time.

Her: How are you???? This is Lauren from the University of Kansas!!!!!

Me: Uh, hi.

Her: I was just wanting to confirm some information we have about you for the alumni association!!!!

Me: Ok.

Her: Is your address still 1111 Main????? (that's not my real address so don't send future Christmas cards there. I won't get them.)

Me: Yep.

Her: OH!!! THAT'S NOT FAR FROM LAWRENCE!!!! AWESOME!!!!

Me : (a little frightened by her enthusiasm) Yeah, not too far....

Her: Do you come back often?!?!?!?!?!!?

Me: Not really.

Her: That's too bad!!! Awesome!!!!

Me: Yep.

Her: I don't have any employer information listed here, is there anything you want us too add????

Me: No, I am being a Mom right now.

Her: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Yeah, it's pretty great.

Her: I BET!!!! So, do you have any plans to go to work?

Me: Not right now.

Her: Awesome!!! I see you graduated with a degree in magazine journalism!!!

Me: Yep.

Her: (in the words of Barney Stinson: wait for it........) AWESOME!!!!! I am trying to figure out if I want to do magazine or advertising!

Me: That's great. I loved magazine.

Her: Yeah, I just don't know!!!! What kind of stuff would you write? What kind of magazine??? What topics would you write about????

Me: (I wanted to tell her she might want to talk to an advisor instead of a random alumnus she is inevitably going to beg for money in a matter of minutes, but I was truly witty and on the ball and said,) Ummm....lots of things. There are lots of different things to write about. (I know! How smart can one person sound in a single conversation?)

Her: AWESOME!!!!!

Me: Yep.

And then she went into her script about how I can give as little as $50 and can break it up into as many as 4 payments and, surely I would be able to do that!!!!!!! I declined, gave my standard answer and listened to her practically shout the word awesome ten or fifty more times. I got off the phone wondering if that was what I sounded like when I was that age. I think I probably sounded a lot more tired and a little more hungover way back then. And I am absolutely certain I didn't say awesome as much as she did. AWESOME!!!!