My girl

Sometimes I just love Natalie so much I could burst.

I always love both my daughters, and I make sure they know that. But there are times, especially with Natalie since Vanessa can't even move yet, that I don't like them too much. Natalie can be a handful. She is strong willed and stubborn. She knows what she likes and she is not afraid to let you know. I am a bit out of my element with her. When I was little I was shy. Now, with my parents I was, of course, a pain in the ass. Out in public I wasn't so much. I was always afraid to be made fun of. I didn't want to be "the joke". This fear of mine brought me to think I was being made fun of constantly. I tried desperately to not do anything that made could be mocked, ridiculed, and/or laughed at. God forbid if anyone laugh at me. I honestly couldn't even laugh at myself. Looking back, it is kind of sad that I grew up feeling like this. I can think of so many incidents where I could have had real fun if I would have let myself. My parents pushed me gently to be more outgoing. I just couldn't. Simple as that.

I remember times at school were I was beyond mortified, and I am most definitely the ONLY one who remembers them at all. I obsessed for years, literally, about the time in 5th grade that I pronounced it "bo constrictor" instead of boa. A few kids laughed and corrected me. They weren't mean or anything. But I still remember it. I grew out of this debilitating fear around 8th grade. I came out of my shell so to speak.


Natalie is not, and has never been, like this. She jumps in head first and has a blast doing it. She is not afraid to make a mistake, she just goes for it. I admire this. She has a lot of fun in her life. While I do think she has the right idea about life, it makes it more difficult for me. She is always on the go when we are out. She is a leader and will be the first to run and do. This wasn't so bad before Vanessa, but now it is very hard to keep up with her while lugging around an infant. So I try to reign her in....and she gets mad. Another thing she is not shy about is showing her feelings in public. She could care less if there are people around when she tells me I am a "stupid mommy", or when she throws a screaming, kicking, completely out-of-control fit. And I try my best to stop the fit while also teaching her that she doesn't get her way when she acts like that. It is embarrassing at times, and I have had to deal with that. As much as I have always hated being embarrassed it has been quite a task to realize I am not the only women to have her daughter yell at her in public and that the majority of people aren't looking at me with disdain, but rather with a sense of "been there, done that".

Nat is basically a very good girl. She plays nicely with her friends, she is gentle with animals, she has good manners, she loves her family and lets us all know, and she is extremely smart. She is three-years-old though, and I am a firm believer that the terrible threes are a lot worse then the terrible twos. They just have another year of experience to play off of. One more year of studying how to manipulate mom, how to push mom's buttons.

Because of all this I really appreciate the times, like last night, when she is so loving and good. When she is playing with her dolls, giving them hugs and kisses and being such a great nurturer. When she goes in the bathroom, shuts the door, and I hear her excited little voice say "I DID IT" when she finally realizes that it is not so bad to poop in the potty instead of a pull-up. When the only people she wants to celebrate with when she accomplishes something is her mom and dad. When she comes and crawls up on to my lap, kisses my cheek and says "I just love you so much mommy". I do too baby, more then you will ever, ever know.