Five.

Today is Natalie's fifth birthday. Five. As in the age that kids are when they go to kindergarten (which she will in the fall). As in the age when she is officially a big girl. As in one year closer to not needing her mommy anymore (sob, gasp, sob). Can you tell I'm having a little trouble accepting this?

So to honor this huge milestone in my babies life I am going to tell her birth story...finally!

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In April 2003 Larry and I had been married for about ten months and had just moved from our temporary place in his parents basement to our first house. It was in this house that I realized that I was "late". Looking back I see that in my heart I knew I was pregnant. At the time I denied it up and down, even after I took an old pregnancy test I had in the medicine cabinet one day when Larry was at work and it had two very distinct lines. I figured the test was so old that it had become defective. But I knew. So when Larry got home I casually suggested we might want to make a Wal-Greens run and pick up a pack of tests. I left out the part that I already had gotten a big fat positive. We got the tests, came home, I peed on the stick, and we waited. We went into the bathroom together and saw the two lines that meant our life was no longer just ours.

I will admit freely that I completely broke down in sobs. Not because I didn't want a baby, but because I was scared. I have never been a big fan of change, and you can't have a more major change then having a baby. I cried into my husband's chest and he said all the right things. He told me everything was going to be ok. We were married, we loved each other, we had a house now, everything was going to be fine.

My pregnancy was not all that fun. I had morning sickness, afternoon sickness, and night sickness the entire time. Even though I didn't particularly enjoy the pregnancy there were some definite high points. I will never forget the sensation of her moving around in my tummy for the first time. People tell you what it is going to be like. It will feel like butterflies, or bubbles popping, or gas. But words can't really describe it because it is not just a physical feeling, it is also an emotional one. At least it was for me. All of a sudden I was the caretaker of a growing and changing person. I was the shelter and the sustenance keeping this little being alive. I was a Mom.

My original due date was December 19th and it later changed to December 25th. I was going to have a Christmas baby. Time passed and we prepared for the impending arrival of our daughter. We made the room that was being used as storage into the nursery. We painted it light yellow with mint green trim. We got a crib from some of our best friends and set it up. I had three baby showers and received all the baby paraphernalia that I could ever need. We grew more anxious and nervous by the day. At last December arrived. The month went on and Christmas came and went. Still there was no baby. My body wasn't even acting like it was going to have a baby anytime soon. So my doctor and I decided to help things along a little bit.

On the evening of December 29th I checked into St Joe hospital for an induction. As the nurses and doctors came in and out of my room, doing everything they needed to do I was in a daze. They placed the cervadil, they gave me an IV, they checked my progress (none), and then we all sat back to let things happen. I watched the KU basketball game against Binghamton (we won 78-46). I attempted to read the magazines I brought with me. My Mom spilled an entire cup of coffee all over my bedside table. And we still waited. Everyone else went home for the night so I could sleep. The next morning after a night of tossing and turning, or as much as I could while hooked up to the IV and the blood pressure monitor, I was cramping. Being naive and not knowing what to expect I was worried. Throughout the entire pregnancy cramping had been a bad thing, something we didn't want to happen. So I called in the nurse and with fear in my voice, and my heart, I told her I felt like I was having menstrual cramps. She smiled and said that I was beginning to go into labor.

They started the pitocin and things got going fairly quickly. It hurt more then I could have ever expected. I remember laying on my side, gripping the bed rail, and counting to ten over and over and over again in my head. I tried to ignore the pain but if you have ever had a child you know that that is an impossibility. They suggested I get into the bathtub and aim the water jet at my back where I was feeling a lot of pain. That helped quite a bit and at some point they said I HAD to get out. I think I begged for just a little more time to no avail. After laboring a little longer they brought in the epidural. And then there was no more pain. All of a sudden I could sit and talk to my family who was there to support me, and more importantly see the new baby when she arrived. They had to reboost the medicine once when I started moving along more quickly, but all in all I was one comfortable pregnant lady. There was one final check of my progress and then it was time to push. They told me to push every time I felt a contraction, but at that point I couldn't feel any contractions. So they began telling me when I was having one and I pushed as much as I could while having no feeling in my lower body. It didn't take that long and at 2:45 in the afternoon I had a healthy and beautiful 6 pound, 7 ounce baby girl that we named Natalie Isis.

Since then it has been a whirlwind of watching my first born grow up. She learned to walk and talk, she celebrated birthdays and holidays, she became a big sister twice, she started preschool. And through it all she remained my baby. My daughter. My heart.

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We love you Natalie. You are an amazing little girl. You make us proud daily with your humor, your wit, your compassion, and your intelligence. Your Daddy and I wish you the happiest fifth birthday ever. You will always be our baby, but we are excited to watch you grow into a woman. Happy Birthday!!

Christmas from start to finish: pictures, pictures, and more pictures!

The Saturday Before Christmas: with my cousins and their kids making the sweet treats for the big family Christmas party.

Natalie and I making the peanut butter cookies

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Natalie and Ava dipping pretzels (they ate more then they dipped)
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Natalie and Audrey mixing up the bread

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Cadyn and Vanessa dipping pretzels..and yes they would dip the pretzel lick off the chocolate and then dip again....but come on, we're all family, right?

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Cambree, Ivy, and Vanessa

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Vanessa, Me, Ramie, Audrey, Natalie, Ivy, Cambree, Michelle, Asa, Ella, Becki, Brennan, and Ava

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Christmas Eve: Larry's family over for dinner and presents!

The girls and their cousins Ryan and Hailey ready to tear into some presents
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My nephew Brayden on his first Christmas Eve

........................ Aunt Lesley helping the girls open stuff

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Nat with her new remote controlled dog "Scott"

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Our Christmas Eve

Here Allie, open these!

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Me and my girls in their matching jammies

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Christmas Morning

Santa was good to the girls!

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Vanessa opening her first present of the year

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Natalie with some of her stuff

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"Oh my gosh! It's a Baby Alive!"

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The aftermath

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Christmas at Nana and Papa's

The three cutest Christmas girls ever!

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Nana with Allie and Nessa

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Papa and Nessa reading

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Helping Nana make Christmas dinner

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Natalie and her Christmas cake

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Christmas at my cousins house

Daddy and Allison

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Grandma and Grandpa singing Christmas carols

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Mom and Aunt Marilyn singing Christmas carols

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A gaggle of kids ready to open presents

File this under: Things They Should Tell You

One of the most anxiety ridden moments of my life was way back on December 31, 2003 when the nurse came into my hospital room and told me that I could take my new baby home soon. There I was, blissfully relaxing on the queen size bed, ordering in room service, watching movies on the DVD player, and anytime I had any question about this new little tiny person that was suddenly attached to me at the boob all I had to do was push a button and a nurse would come make it all better. Is she latched on correctly? Call the nurse! Should she be making those noises when she sleeps? Call the nurse! Seriously, is she latched on correctly because this hurts like hell? Call the nurse! I had everything I needed and now they wanted to send me home? Without a little button to call someone who actually knows what they are doing? I was nervous to say the least.

No less then three hours of waiting and panicking later the nurse made one final appearance to go over the list of "taking care of your baby" guidelines. The list included all kinds of good advice. To avoid shaken baby syndrome don't shake the baby. Put the baby to bed on her back even if every time you do she screams bloody murder. Dress the baby appropriately, not too warm, not too chilly. Now here is a prescription for percoset, enjoy!

I paid very close attention not wanting to miss anything that would come in handy later when I was alone with my new daughter. I already had books that told me all this at home, and of course I had the Internet that was always there to scare me with the WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO for anything I looked up (search: oozing belly button. find: 99 ways your baby could by dying this very minute). I had my Mom that had been through all of this before. Still, I don't think anyone can be completely prepared for bringing home your own baby for the first time.

The biggest surprise to me was my new found obsession with my babies poop. I kept pages upon pages of data on each and every diaper and what it contained. I called my mom, the pediatrician, and random friends and family (sorry!) to report on changes in frequency, consistency, amount, and appearance. I needed constant reassurance that it was normal. To me normal poop equalled normal, healthy baby. It made me absolutely crazy with worry when she wouldn't poop when I thought she should. I would continuously check her diaper to make sure there wasn't something there that wasn't two minutes ago when I checked last. I would research infant constipation and push on her little tummy to see if it hurt. I basically annoyed my child and everyone around me with my poop fixation.

You would have thought that now, two more children later, I wouldn't be so caught up on pooping. You would be wrong. I am constantly worrying about all three of my girls bathroom habits. Are they going enough? Are they going too much? Is is really supposed to smell or look like that? And when did she have corn?!?! I have talked to other mothers that are equally fascinated by their children's deposits so I know I'm not the only one. If I were a nurse during the check out process for new mothers this is something I would definitely add to the list. You will become obsessed with poo...and it is completely normal.

Family Dynamics

As an only child, I was always fascinated by the dynamic that existed in the households of siblings. I had friends and cousins with brothers and sisters that I watched with curiosity, but I knew that what I saw was not the half of it. I knew there must be things that I wasn't seeing. The quiet, private moments and thoughts that occurred when the fights over the last slice of pizza were over. I am now getting that glimpse that I always wanted.

My girls are sisters. They always will be. No matter what, all three of them will be able to say they are a part of a family with more than one kid. They fight. They make up. They worry about each other and protect each other. They drive each other completely crazy. They love each other like crazy.

It is neat to see the roles that everyone plays in the family develop. Natalie is the quintessential big sister. She is bossy, a know-it-all, and an attention hog. She likes for things to go her way, and just can't accept it when they don't. To be honest, she and I have quite a bit in common. This is probably why we butt heads so often. Vanessa is my little snuggle bug. She is pure sweetness (most of the time). She loves to help and often I find her picking up WITHOUT BEING ASKED!! She follows her big sisters lead until she has had enough. Then she quietly lets everyone around know that she is done. It is not unheard of to see her ball up her little fists and punch Natalie without a sound. She isn't talking a lot yet, but she understands everything and can communicate in her own way. Allison is still a bit of a mystery since she is so young. What I'm getting from her so far is that she is not going to be a timid flower. She is loud and demanding, which I guess she kind of has to be to compete with the two older ones.

The biggest difference that I have seen between growing up an only child and having sisters is the level of competition. Who can get the pink bowl first, who has the biggest piece of cake, who gets the coveted "good chair". At this point I hear it mostly from Natalie, but Vanessa is quickly getting in on the action. She is developing a sneaky side that will serve her well as she grows up with her pushy big sister. Everyone has to have the survival skills most suited for their lives!

The one thing that captured my curiosity the most growing up was if parents had favorites. I was always pretty certain of my status as favorite kid growing up. I always wondered if other moms and dads had a particular child that they favored above the others. The answer I have found is that yes, parents do have favorites. BUT it changes, sometimes many times within one day. Sometimes Natalie is my favorite because of her spirit and her spunk. Sometimes it is Vanessa because of her sweetness and willingness to help. Sometimes it is Allison because I could just eat her chubby little cheeks up. Sometimes my "favorite" ends up being a combination of all three girls and the way they meld together to make up our family.

I'm sorry if this post seems a little disjointed. Since I started typing I have fed three kids, changed two diapers, scolded two little girls for breaking a mini blind, comforted one kid after they either fell or was pushed, had to pry a bottle of sunscreen out of one little hand, and half of this was typed with one hand while holding a baby. Hopefully there was at least one sentence that made any sense. If not, I apologize. That is life around here lately!

Next on their list of things to break: my Christmas spirit

Last night Larry and I were lovingly tucking Natalie into bed (reality=taking away reading time and threatening that Santa wasn't coming at all if she didn't get her little butt into bed NOW) when she made a confession. She had taken another ornament off of the Christmas tree and accidentally broke it.

A little back story here. I feel that I'm a pretty sympathetic mother, and because of that I know how tempting it is to play with the Christmas decorations. I mean, come on, they are like little toys that come out once a year for the sole purpose of mocking kids whose Mom's are all, "DON'T TOUCH THAT OR I'M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!" So since I have had kids I have made sure there are an ample amount of Christmas things that are specifically out to be played with. They have a basket full of books, stuffed animals, and real grown up decorations that cannot be broken. They also have a small tree with ornaments that are all kid friendly. They can decorate their tree or their room or themselves to their hearts content....with THEIR OWN STUFF! Every year when the boxes come up from the basement we talk about how they have their own decorations, so leave the rest alone!

This year I put up their tree and gave them their ornaments, which they promptly broke in as many ways as possible. Things that would survive a nuclear bomb have been reduced to random pieces of red and green plastic scattered throughout the house (try getting up in the middle of the night and finding Pooh's decapitated head smiling at you from inside the refrigerator door. That kind of discovery will mess you up for life). So after the girls were tired of destroying their own stuff they, of course, moved onto mine. I am up to a grand total of seven broken ornaments. And we still have a couple of weeks until Christmas! Last nights victim was an elf holding a banner that says Natalie. I was informed that one tiny green leg is somewhere in the bottom of the toy box. Let me just say, we really should buy some stock in super glue the way we've been going through it.

Natalie reluctantly handed over the little legless elf and I placed her on the "shelf of broken ornaments". It is possibly the saddest Christmas sight ever. There is a piglet without an ear, a cheerleader without pom-poms, an angel without her hands, a snowman without his snowflake (if you know what I mean..wink wink!), and now a poor little smiling elf without a limb.

Natalie was assuring us that is was an ACCIDENT! REALLY!! DIDN'T MEAN TO!! That would be well and good if it weren't for the fact that this kind of "accident" happens daily, usually right after I tell them to leave the tree alone or I'm taking it down. We had the talk again and she promised not to touch anymore ornaments. I'm guessing we will be adding to the shelf sooner rather than later.

The big girls

Things Vanessa likes:
-eating almost anything and everything
-especially Papa's homemade party mix
-dancing
-playing in her pretend kitchen
-BABY DOLLS!!!
-helping unload the dishwasher
-giving high fives
-Handy Manny
-being a "little Mama"
-taking medicine
-pop (thanks Nana)

Things Vanessa does not like:
-getting into trouble
-not being able to do everything Natalie can do
-corn
-her food being too hot
-being "trapped" in her crib
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Things Natalie likes:
-holidays
-reading books
-doing arts and crafts
-Miss Shannon (a teacher at her school)
-chicken, macaroni and cheese, cheeseburgers, bologna
-milk, chocolate or white
-her little sisters (most of the time)
-playing hairdresser
-playing dress up
-dessert
- her cousins Brayden, Ryan, and Hailey

Things Natalie does not like:
-food except the things listed above (and a few others)
-being told what to do
-being told what to wear
-when Vanessa bothers her while she is playing
-the dogs eating her food
-getting her hair washed (at home, she loves it in the salon)

The baby:

Things Allison likes:
-her Mama
-her Mama's boobs
-laying in the crib looking at the miniblinds (but only for a couple of minutes)
-laying in her boppy (but only for a couple of minutes)

Things Allison does not like:
-not being held by her Mama
-Mama sitting down in one place when holding her (there must always be some movement. ALWAYS.)
-having a dirty diaper
-having that dirty diaper changed
-her bassinet
-her swing
-not having immediate attention
-Mama trying to feed her a bottle instead of offering up the boob
-Natalie singing Christmas songs at top volume directly into her face
-Vanessa trying to "hug" her
-sleeping anywhere but in Mama's arms at night
-bath time
-being cold
-having her umbilical cord stump cleaned (it STILL has not fallen off)
-Mama not knowing exactly what she wants when she wants it (and not a second later)

kjhdfiuqwerhjk!!!!

Kids are sick. Brain is broken. Enjoy cute baby pictures!

Allison's first Thanksgiving. I don't think she was impressed.

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Warm and cozy in the blanket my Grandma made.

............................. Lucky enough to capture one of her first smiles!

Back to my original point...

I sat down to write earlier at a point in the day where I was feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted and it came spewing out of my fingers and onto my blog. But I'm better now...even though Nat is still pulling on my sleeve and not letting Allison sleep like she wants! It is all good. My girls are good. I'm good. I'm really good.

Yesterday was a big day for me and my middle child. It was her first time to go to "school". She is attending the same Children's Day Out program that Natalie did last year. I love the program, the director of the program, and pretty much every person I've met through the program. Does that mean I was ready to send my baby girl (she may not be the youngest, but she is still my baby)? Hell to the no!! I was so not ready for it, but I know it is going to be good for all of us in the long run. I need a little time each day with just Allison (and even some time for myself if she happens to be sleeping) and Vanessa needs a chance to get used to being with other people.

If you know Vanessa you know that she is completely attached to me. She is shy with other people, even a little timid. The only other people that have ever watched her besides her Daddy and I are her Nana and Papa. She is simply not used to being with anyone else. So when I was toying with the idea of sending her to CDO I was sceptical to say the least. I am lucky enough to really trust and like the woman who runs the program and when she came to me with an offer to help get Nessa in the class I knew I couldn't refuse.

She was supposed to start last Monday, but I chickened out and didn't leave her. Katie (the director) and my two wonderful cousins who work with the program told me firmly, but with much love I'm sure, that they would NOT let me leave the building without leaving her yesterday. So I dropped her off and left. I was a nervous wreck. I had big plans of coming home and doing nothing but lounging and relaxing. And I did start off that way. Allie was awake so we spent a long time talking and looking at each other and being able to have some time to really bond. She even gave me a big smile that I am fairly certain had nothing to do with her bodily functions! Then after that I was ready to go pick up my girls. The only problem was that it was about 2 1/2 hours too early! So I went Christmas shopping to occupy my mind. I got the things I had already planned to get Larry and a few extras that were kind of spur of the moment. It took everything I had to not go sit in the parking lot and wait.

I was still early to pick them up though. So I used that time to steal a baby doll from a poor little girl so my cousin could use it to teach me how to use the sling another of my favorite cousins made for me. Don't worry, we gave the doll back!!! I talked to the teachers who told me that Vanessa had a good day. She was pretty bewildered for most of the time, just trying to figure everything out. I peaked in on her and she was rocking on the gliders footstool, looking pretty content. They said she was such a helper, which is no surprise. Vanessa is a little homemaker. She loves playing in the pretend kitchen and taking care of dolls. I asked if she ate and the teacher laughed and said that she ate hers and then helped everyone else finish theirs, also not a surprise..the girl loves to eat!

After talking to the teachers and wasting as much time as I could, I stuck my head into the classroom and called out my girl's name. She looked over at me and while running to get me just burst into tears. I picked her up and she grabbed on to me sobbing. I completely understood what she was feeling. When I was little I would be too shy to show my fear or sadness in front of others, so when I got into a comfortable situation I couldn't hold back anymore. I knew that Vanessa was relieved I had come back and grateful to feel the comfort of her Mommy again.

I'm not sure how next Monday will go. I fear that it will be harder for both of us because now she knows what's coming. I am going to try to stay strong and hope for the best. I know she is going to have a great time there and this will help her get a little more independence. She is just so tiny and sweet and I want to keep her little forever!!! I wish that were possible.

It's been awhile...

I am a busy girl, but busy has taken on such a different meaning lately. When I was younger and was busy it meant I was on the go. I was away from the house, doing all kinds of things that needed done. And sometimes stuff that I just wanted to do (can I even remember those times?). Now being busy means just staying home and dealing with the life I have now. I'm not complaining. I love my life, but it is a busy one.

I have heard it said so many times that it is hard going from having one to two children, but after that it doesn't matter anymore how many you have. LIARS!!!!! I admit that it was probably harder when we added Vanessa to our family, but that was mostly my fault. I was so uptight about everything. I had finally developed a good routine for our life with Nat and I was unable to see how I could endure such a big change and still keep a semblance of the life I had come to love. I was a lot less afraid of change with the birth of Allison. I knew from experience that kids routines change no matter how much you wish they didn't, whether you add more kids to the picture or not. I also am a lot better at rolling with the changes. I can accept them, adapt to them, and eventually appreciate them. So, when we were surprised by the two lines on the pregnancy test this time I wasn't freaking out nearly as bad as I had in the past. Maybe I should have.

Three kids is a lot of kids. I am completely outnumbered in every aspect. While I have gotten pretty good at cradling Allison in one arm, balancing Vanessa on the opposite hip and dealing with Natalie hanging on to one leg or the other (or sometimes both), I am still not good at balancing the needs of all my babies. I constantly feel like someone is getting gypped. I have had to let Allison cry at times that I never would have with my older two. I have had to tell a sobbing Vanessa that she would have to wait to be picked up and snuggled until after I was done dealing with the baby. I have had to make Natalie wait to eat when she was really hungry because I couldn't go to the kitchen at that moment. I HATE those moments. Those times when I can't physically or mentally or emotionally give my kids all of me. I hate feeling that they aren't getting the best mother I could be because I am so busy with someone or something else. I feel like I am being pulled in three different directions at once, all of them as important as the others.

On the other hand there are times when we are all together that my heart almost bursts with happiness. When Allie is calm and happy, Nessa is being her sweet little self, and Nat is in full-blown big sister mode, helping and playing with her little sisters. Those times are the best ever. Those times are the ones that make me happy, and make my girls happy. It is then that I think, hey I can do this! It is just so hard to remember that when I have three screaming girls and tears in my eyes while I try my best to keep it all together.

I am sorry that I finally blog and it comes out as a pathetic, crybaby mess. It took me all morning to write this between trying to get Allison to take a nap and the older two to leave her alone so she can sleep. But now Natalie is playing quietly in my room, Vanessa is having a snack of cheerios and apple juice, and Allison is sleeping in her bassinet (for now). Wow, I wrote too soon...here is Natalie pulling on my sleeve, Vanessa is fussing for an unknown reason, and Allie is stirring and making her waking up noises. So, back to real life for me. At least real life consists of lots of hugs and kisses from the three most wonderful little girls in the history of girls. It kind of makes it all bearable, huh?