It's been awhile...

I am a busy girl, but busy has taken on such a different meaning lately. When I was younger and was busy it meant I was on the go. I was away from the house, doing all kinds of things that needed done. And sometimes stuff that I just wanted to do (can I even remember those times?). Now being busy means just staying home and dealing with the life I have now. I'm not complaining. I love my life, but it is a busy one.

I have heard it said so many times that it is hard going from having one to two children, but after that it doesn't matter anymore how many you have. LIARS!!!!! I admit that it was probably harder when we added Vanessa to our family, but that was mostly my fault. I was so uptight about everything. I had finally developed a good routine for our life with Nat and I was unable to see how I could endure such a big change and still keep a semblance of the life I had come to love. I was a lot less afraid of change with the birth of Allison. I knew from experience that kids routines change no matter how much you wish they didn't, whether you add more kids to the picture or not. I also am a lot better at rolling with the changes. I can accept them, adapt to them, and eventually appreciate them. So, when we were surprised by the two lines on the pregnancy test this time I wasn't freaking out nearly as bad as I had in the past. Maybe I should have.

Three kids is a lot of kids. I am completely outnumbered in every aspect. While I have gotten pretty good at cradling Allison in one arm, balancing Vanessa on the opposite hip and dealing with Natalie hanging on to one leg or the other (or sometimes both), I am still not good at balancing the needs of all my babies. I constantly feel like someone is getting gypped. I have had to let Allison cry at times that I never would have with my older two. I have had to tell a sobbing Vanessa that she would have to wait to be picked up and snuggled until after I was done dealing with the baby. I have had to make Natalie wait to eat when she was really hungry because I couldn't go to the kitchen at that moment. I HATE those moments. Those times when I can't physically or mentally or emotionally give my kids all of me. I hate feeling that they aren't getting the best mother I could be because I am so busy with someone or something else. I feel like I am being pulled in three different directions at once, all of them as important as the others.

On the other hand there are times when we are all together that my heart almost bursts with happiness. When Allie is calm and happy, Nessa is being her sweet little self, and Nat is in full-blown big sister mode, helping and playing with her little sisters. Those times are the best ever. Those times are the ones that make me happy, and make my girls happy. It is then that I think, hey I can do this! It is just so hard to remember that when I have three screaming girls and tears in my eyes while I try my best to keep it all together.

I am sorry that I finally blog and it comes out as a pathetic, crybaby mess. It took me all morning to write this between trying to get Allison to take a nap and the older two to leave her alone so she can sleep. But now Natalie is playing quietly in my room, Vanessa is having a snack of cheerios and apple juice, and Allison is sleeping in her bassinet (for now). Wow, I wrote too soon...here is Natalie pulling on my sleeve, Vanessa is fussing for an unknown reason, and Allie is stirring and making her waking up noises. So, back to real life for me. At least real life consists of lots of hugs and kisses from the three most wonderful little girls in the history of girls. It kind of makes it all bearable, huh?