Back to my original point...

I sat down to write earlier at a point in the day where I was feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted and it came spewing out of my fingers and onto my blog. But I'm better now...even though Nat is still pulling on my sleeve and not letting Allison sleep like she wants! It is all good. My girls are good. I'm good. I'm really good.

Yesterday was a big day for me and my middle child. It was her first time to go to "school". She is attending the same Children's Day Out program that Natalie did last year. I love the program, the director of the program, and pretty much every person I've met through the program. Does that mean I was ready to send my baby girl (she may not be the youngest, but she is still my baby)? Hell to the no!! I was so not ready for it, but I know it is going to be good for all of us in the long run. I need a little time each day with just Allison (and even some time for myself if she happens to be sleeping) and Vanessa needs a chance to get used to being with other people.

If you know Vanessa you know that she is completely attached to me. She is shy with other people, even a little timid. The only other people that have ever watched her besides her Daddy and I are her Nana and Papa. She is simply not used to being with anyone else. So when I was toying with the idea of sending her to CDO I was sceptical to say the least. I am lucky enough to really trust and like the woman who runs the program and when she came to me with an offer to help get Nessa in the class I knew I couldn't refuse.

She was supposed to start last Monday, but I chickened out and didn't leave her. Katie (the director) and my two wonderful cousins who work with the program told me firmly, but with much love I'm sure, that they would NOT let me leave the building without leaving her yesterday. So I dropped her off and left. I was a nervous wreck. I had big plans of coming home and doing nothing but lounging and relaxing. And I did start off that way. Allie was awake so we spent a long time talking and looking at each other and being able to have some time to really bond. She even gave me a big smile that I am fairly certain had nothing to do with her bodily functions! Then after that I was ready to go pick up my girls. The only problem was that it was about 2 1/2 hours too early! So I went Christmas shopping to occupy my mind. I got the things I had already planned to get Larry and a few extras that were kind of spur of the moment. It took everything I had to not go sit in the parking lot and wait.

I was still early to pick them up though. So I used that time to steal a baby doll from a poor little girl so my cousin could use it to teach me how to use the sling another of my favorite cousins made for me. Don't worry, we gave the doll back!!! I talked to the teachers who told me that Vanessa had a good day. She was pretty bewildered for most of the time, just trying to figure everything out. I peaked in on her and she was rocking on the gliders footstool, looking pretty content. They said she was such a helper, which is no surprise. Vanessa is a little homemaker. She loves playing in the pretend kitchen and taking care of dolls. I asked if she ate and the teacher laughed and said that she ate hers and then helped everyone else finish theirs, also not a surprise..the girl loves to eat!

After talking to the teachers and wasting as much time as I could, I stuck my head into the classroom and called out my girl's name. She looked over at me and while running to get me just burst into tears. I picked her up and she grabbed on to me sobbing. I completely understood what she was feeling. When I was little I would be too shy to show my fear or sadness in front of others, so when I got into a comfortable situation I couldn't hold back anymore. I knew that Vanessa was relieved I had come back and grateful to feel the comfort of her Mommy again.

I'm not sure how next Monday will go. I fear that it will be harder for both of us because now she knows what's coming. I am going to try to stay strong and hope for the best. I know she is going to have a great time there and this will help her get a little more independence. She is just so tiny and sweet and I want to keep her little forever!!! I wish that were possible.